PAIN!!!!

Ouch! I’m in Pain
 
I had a bout of back pain a few weeks ago. I thought it was down to new shoes, excessive driving and overall sitting. Maybe it was falling asleep on the couch.
That was Christmas when we forgive ourselves from falling from healthy routine. We got back into it moving and better routines. The back got better and we’re half way through January now.
 
But the back is back. It’s not a good advertisement to the brand of Alexander Technique, but hey it is what brought me to the technique and it is what teaches me care for my self.
 
It’s low back. What is it this time? It could have been running vigorously after children and puppies, it could have been some drunken hijinks with my friends, it could have been sitting at the computer for a long period. In truth it is probably all of those external factors, but none of that matters.
 
Why does that none of that matter?
 
Because that was what was happening, not how I was using myself.
 
Does that sound weird to you?
 
Yes, what we are doing is relevant, but we tend to look outside ourselves rather than what is happening inside ourselves during the activity.
 
So I woke up this morning, forgetting I had recently experienced back pain. I am both eternally optimistic and forgetful ;)
 
Did you notice I said “experienced back pain”? I don’t identify that back pain is me or a chronic condition. You may experience back pain that way. For me the pain is here to tell me to stop doing things in the way that I am doing them.
 
So I moved to get out of bed and there is was. Ouch! Breath caught, face scrunched, stopped in my tracks. I’m moving more slowly now until my feet touch the ground. Face released, breathing regulated, feet on the floor letting the weight go down, from my head to my seat and into the support of the floor, letting the holding of my back go.
 
Relief, for a moment. But I have to get up and get on with my day.
 
Bathroom in mind I get up from the bed. Ouch! I was too swift in my movement. I catch a glimpse of me in the mirror to see if I can tell by looking at me what I am doing wrong.
 
How can a mirror tell me how I am thinking? Oh but it does. I notice as I look at my eyes how my attention was in the reflection, seeking, and not in me, my body, listening.
 
So I walk to the loo. It’s less than 20 steps and happens quite quickly. That was ok. Walking is ok. Maybe I just have to move and I’ll be grand. But going to bend down I hold the wall and sink to support me.
 
Intellectually, from all I have learned on this Alexander journey, I know that using my hands to support my back is not a cure. It is however my survival method in this moment.
 
Oh. oh. oh. owwww !!!!   Landed. I’m seated and the breath goes from staccato to exhale.
 
Breathing short but moving, not held, until I go to move into standing again. It’s cold I want to get dressed so I just move on through rather than giving myself the time to go gently. So I get up and back to the bedroom.
 
It was ok but yes there was pain as I moved up into standing.
 
The thing I noticed most was my thinking. Where does my mind go as I move?
 
When I have no pain the mind can be busy doing other things. Suddenly my thinking is going to my back. Before I even move, the way I see my body moving is focused on protecting my back and the mechanics of movement, which I have studied for years, forgotten.
 
It’s amazing the power of pain. It infiltrates the subconscious mind so quickly into a habit of protection. My movement is stiff and shortened. My gait is like a walking bird, pulled in the back and the chest leading. My head, and how it is designed to lead, forgotten, and pulled back.
 
So I remembered my Alexander directions. Where had they gone? I very clearly instructed my head to lead my movement.  But still I was watching for pain. It’s amazing to watch my mind so quickly switching from leading movement with my head, back to “painwatch”.
 
When I directed my movement to be head led the pain was significantly less but my mind went to the drama of the pain. Half of me wanted to know where the pain was and how it is in control and half of me wanted it to be gone.
 
It’s so interesting as I hadn’t had this sort of pain in a long time. This low back pain, interrupts every move. Pain in an ankle or other part where I had a bang weren’t as worrying as they were temporary to my mind. An injury would pass. With some Alexander work it would be managed into recovery quicker.
 
My low back is more worrying, more invasive. It was a signal of old habits creeping back in and showing up. Showing me up! First thing was embarrassment. What have I been ignoring so that this pain has come to teach me? How have I been moving? What have I unconsciously been doing, getting away with, that’s not so cool if you are an Alexander teacher?
 
Then it was experimental. OK pain, you are here. What am I to learn? How does pain work in me?
 
Noticing the thinking was the most useful part. The pain eased over days but only because I was addressing the thinking during moving. I spent time on the floor releasing my back through twisting or leg movements. I stood and monitored the pain moving as I sank into my feet, or hinged at the hips or released the space between my head and neck. These were thoughtful movements. I thought about my weight sinking, or my head moving up. I did less and allowed more. And the feedback through my senses, the pain, told me different things.
 
Mindful. These were mindful movements. As my mind and body became investigatory, listening rather than expecting, I slowed down. I was downloading my thoughts more accurately to my soft tissues. I had more time, as it had expanded, as I trained myself out of the painful reactions.
 
God bless this Alexander work. To have the tools to get me out of trouble is so satisfying. Having the tools to help others too and offer ways to help themselves is so rewarding.
 
Thank you pain. Your lessons are so valuable, and humbling.
  
Love Fiona x
 
To learn about your body, you habits, and how you can manage pain or get your body to work more efficiently for you, join a class or come for lessons http://www.dontholdback.ie/classes.html