DON'T HOLD BACK !
Even with all the tools in the world, the happiest thoughts, strongest practices, we all still have crap weeks.
I’m really good at glossing over things. Being optimistic. Staying calm. Looking on the bright side. Letting go of the negative. Focusing on the practical. What we CAN do or be. Interrupting the CAN’T. I’m a problem solver. I’m very good at redesigning in the moment, when we see the plan develop.
So I am seen as cool, capable, and kind. Which I don’t deny that I am, some of the time.
But I’ve had a crap week.
I could look at what happened, what I can learn from it, what I can address practically, focus on the achievements and positives. And there were many.
But today I just want to acknowledge it’s been crap, without wanting to justify or change it.
Cancellations. No money coming in at the end of the month. Insurance companies trying to screw you, and then being uncontactable when you go looking for help or answers. Credit card being scammed and cancelled so no card for a week. Frozen. Can’t transact. A jacket robbed from the car. The senseless violation. And people died. I was not close to the deceased, but still learning of their passing has its effect on my senses none the less.
So it feels crap. I feel frustrated and angry and fed up. And I really want to curse more as I write. But I feel I have to sit here, in it. Whatever “it” is?
Like I said I am very good at finding the space in the situation, in my thinking, in my body. I can say the cancellations are not rejections of me personally, they just don’t understand how the work can help them. How can I communicate better? What have I learned about my message or how I say it? No money, grand, I’ll just tighten my belt. Look at how well I can save. Some opportunistic bollox stole from us – practice better security, or let it go. Insurance!!!! Who needs it??? I haven’t ever used it to claim. I practice good driving and they still want to put up the price 30% for no reason, as my car depreciates. FFS!!!
All external events, I can or cannot influence.
So let’s look at the frustration and anger that has me feeling jagged and uncomfortable. Deep feelings of being out of control. A childish helplessness. My teeth are clenched and my mouth is in a frown. My boobs are touching my lower ribs as a slump seems the appropriate posture. Well it’s just the way I am today. I have been having some pains in my left side which probably means my appendix is about to burst and I will die (catastrophizing now) but who cares. It will be an end to debt and uselessness and no need for car insurance.
As I stay here I watch the words that come out. Then, over the short time of writing, how I feel. I don’t want to stay here anymore. My ridiculousness is entertaining to me and my front is lifting. My breath is moving my ribs and my head is finding the space above me. I turn my head to catch my reflection and the downward pointing lines around my mouth have levelled as there feels to be more space there. I wouldn’t call it a smile, but the corners are lifting.
And there I am on my optimistic, forward and up way. It’s nice to feel better. The day is lovely with blue skies and interesting light colouring the fluffy clouds. The wind has subsided and it’s not that cold. Insurance. Who needs car insurance when I’m on a train?
But have I missed something that those negative feelings are here to tell me. Do I just wait out the bad for better times to come around on the clock or the calendar? Isn’t it anger and frustration (pain) that spurs us on to take action, to make a change? How can I hold onto my negative feelings long enough to figure something out? But not long enough to sink into my dark non-productive place? It’s a delicate balance. Because if I fall into that dark place who knows when I’ll get out?
But let’s stay here in my active awareness. My foot on the accelerator out of here, while also biting the clutch. A full push of the clutch pedal to the ground would see me free falling. So I stay in the critical place. The lights are amber. I can go either way. But what is the most useful direction in this moment? An angry rage against the machine, or a slumping retreat? Or maybe what I am doing right now is what’s right for right now? Maybe I haven’t lost my call to productive action. Writing and exploring is an action. Honestly connecting to myself here and now, helped. Do I go deeper? Do I just see what happens next?
Maybe being ok is enough. Perhaps being able to press the accelerator and release the clutch so that I smoothly drive out of this place is good. That would be better than a stall or a crash.
Maybe I’m ok, right now.
Maybe I am ok.
I am Fiona and I am exploring themes of meeting resistances and allowing ways through. The constant weeding, recognising the stuff that's in the way to live easier.